Hey, been a few weeks since I last got on. Been quite busy with school. So its finally nice outside, rained enough to flood some places this week. But it's like 65 out and the sun shines bright, So thats a pick me up.
Im listening to Daughtry at the moment, I like them. Most of the time their music is exactly how I feel. So I relate to them alot. Listening to "Home" and it kinda makes me homesick, miss Boston already. I wont be going back till spring break...in the middle of April =/ oh well
So on my final note, I dont have any classes or lunch with my ex. Which makes my life easy. If anything I see her no more 3 times a week...I think Boston helped me heal this summer, to bottle her up and throw her into the ocean. I feel stronger and it feels great. Lol. I owe it to a few people, my best friend Reggie who dealt with my constant complaining, my psyc teacher who I love & try to emulate bc she's the big reason I didnt lose my mind dealing with my depression. Sometimes you need someone, and I had them
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
back again
Long time no see, lol. Just thought about how long its been since I last updated this blog..
Wow so lets see not a whole lot has happened. Spent a month and a half in Boston with friends & family. Fun, Family, Cookouts, Parties, And Concerts. Got to finally see Wiz Khalifa in concert!!! crazy concert! over 30,000 people everyone was high (cough cough) lol. He definitely knows how to excite a crowd, since I joined my fellow Bostonians in booing a couple of his opening acts off stage. one of which is ryan leslie. lol. I mean he's alright but he cant really sing and he's boring and tries to hard. So when he asked if we wanted another song we booed him and he left shortly after and the Khalifa came out and everything exploded. I was right in front w/ my uncle. lol i learned one thing from this though, Boston knows how to blow purp ; )
Hmmm what else happened this summer..nothing much, my friend and co writer reggie is coming over this weekend so we can overhall the book we are writing. It needs some major work because the first time we got together at my house and worked on it I caught a fever of 106. lol so barring that I dont get sick this weekned we're gonna put in some serious work.
Guess the final thing to say is that I ran into my ex on day while I was at work..which honestly I had been dreading that moment all summer..but when I saw her..my heartbeat got fast and I felt like the depression was gonna take over me again..but then nothing. I felt fine. As if I had just seen a familiar stranger and that was all..I cant say im over her yet because I know Im not but im past her enough that i'll be okay w/ this school yr of being around her. And hey, after all it is my 12th grade yr! so after this im off to college in Boston hopefully.
I promised the city Id come and stay for ever one day so ill have to make good on that promise soon.
Until next time,
Kic, push & coast
Fall
Wow so lets see not a whole lot has happened. Spent a month and a half in Boston with friends & family. Fun, Family, Cookouts, Parties, And Concerts. Got to finally see Wiz Khalifa in concert!!! crazy concert! over 30,000 people everyone was high (cough cough) lol. He definitely knows how to excite a crowd, since I joined my fellow Bostonians in booing a couple of his opening acts off stage. one of which is ryan leslie. lol. I mean he's alright but he cant really sing and he's boring and tries to hard. So when he asked if we wanted another song we booed him and he left shortly after and the Khalifa came out and everything exploded. I was right in front w/ my uncle. lol i learned one thing from this though, Boston knows how to blow purp ; )
Hmmm what else happened this summer..nothing much, my friend and co writer reggie is coming over this weekend so we can overhall the book we are writing. It needs some major work because the first time we got together at my house and worked on it I caught a fever of 106. lol so barring that I dont get sick this weekned we're gonna put in some serious work.
Guess the final thing to say is that I ran into my ex on day while I was at work..which honestly I had been dreading that moment all summer..but when I saw her..my heartbeat got fast and I felt like the depression was gonna take over me again..but then nothing. I felt fine. As if I had just seen a familiar stranger and that was all..I cant say im over her yet because I know Im not but im past her enough that i'll be okay w/ this school yr of being around her. And hey, after all it is my 12th grade yr! so after this im off to college in Boston hopefully.
I promised the city Id come and stay for ever one day so ill have to make good on that promise soon.
Until next time,
Kic, push & coast
Fall
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Unbroken Explanation
unbroken is a story/ poem that is basically just a combination of how ive been feeling the last 7 or 8 months, broken. If youve been following my blog then you know about the issues with the ex girlfriend that have lead to feeling like that and unbroken is me getting past her.
For the longest time i couldnt find a way to write this, i wanted to do it directly but i figured using other people & metaphors would be easier for me to get it out. I was at the movies when I went to see iron man 2 with my mom and brother in may and you know how movies always play music while you wait for it to start. I heard Terrified by Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi. and it hit me, and so i got home and watched the video for it which inspired my poem. Im not gonna explain the video so I suggest you go and watch it.
*when i say "and they could hear their heartbeat in their ears" its because ive had times when something will happen whether good or bad and I can hear my heart beat so loud i can hear it in my ears. so i used that as a way to show something significant is happening.
I tried to say w/o saying that they have both been hurt in their past and are still hurting but know its time to get back out and stop living in depression. and not let pain control them, as i have been doing. they are fearful, but hopeful that all will be well..and actually it will be for them, i wanted to hint that them wishing on the star to be unbroken was them staying together forever.
*which is part of why i chose to name her caelyn, i had looked it up last week and it means forever loved.
So I hope you guys like it and understand it a little more. I may have something else coming, im not sure exactly if im going to write my next idea. But ill keep you posted.
oh, im heading to boston tuesday. not exactly sure how long im staying, havent decided yet..
Peace,
Fall..
For the longest time i couldnt find a way to write this, i wanted to do it directly but i figured using other people & metaphors would be easier for me to get it out. I was at the movies when I went to see iron man 2 with my mom and brother in may and you know how movies always play music while you wait for it to start. I heard Terrified by Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi. and it hit me, and so i got home and watched the video for it which inspired my poem. Im not gonna explain the video so I suggest you go and watch it.
*when i say "and they could hear their heartbeat in their ears" its because ive had times when something will happen whether good or bad and I can hear my heart beat so loud i can hear it in my ears. so i used that as a way to show something significant is happening.
I tried to say w/o saying that they have both been hurt in their past and are still hurting but know its time to get back out and stop living in depression. and not let pain control them, as i have been doing. they are fearful, but hopeful that all will be well..and actually it will be for them, i wanted to hint that them wishing on the star to be unbroken was them staying together forever.
*which is part of why i chose to name her caelyn, i had looked it up last week and it means forever loved.
So I hope you guys like it and understand it a little more. I may have something else coming, im not sure exactly if im going to write my next idea. But ill keep you posted.
oh, im heading to boston tuesday. not exactly sure how long im staying, havent decided yet..
Peace,
Fall..
Unbroken
He stood alone on the outside of the mall looking nervous, his unsteady breathing was drowned by the sound of his heartbeat in his ears, one.
He tried to calm himself but the pains of the past burned behind his chest.
He looked around for a distraction, and the city lights caught his eyes.
For some reason he always found them relaxing; the spectrum always different even if you had seen it a hundred times.
He noticed the flowers had closed, tilting toward him as if telling him to go in. He drew a deep breath and went inside…
She was outside a store nervous but trying to repress it.
He glanced down at his watch when he saw her and smiled, 9:00 p.m.
She was beautiful even through the sadness that painted her face blue.
She watched him walk toward her and a small smile slipped through the cracks of a larger, broken smile.
It was as if she didn’t know how to smile like that anymore.
Her blue eyes were as bright as his fears and his brown eyes were as deep as her worries.
They stood in wordless conversation before she put her hand out, and he shook it introducing himself and she followed suit.
They began walking, at first just to find a store that caught their interest but then later to talk.
He walked with his hands in his pockets, looking down at his shoes and he’d glance over at her.
He noticed her glancing back at him and they turned their heads away, smiling.
They started to talk, lighthearted conversations; where they were from, family, growing up, and life.
Each conversation started and ended with a smile.
And each smile brought them closer.
They turned a corner and their hands touched; but neither pulled back, they lingered and stayed.
And now she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, two.
They walked into a restaurant hands still together; only to be seated and have their eyes do what their hands could not.
The breeze came in through a window, ruffling her hair and causing her to blush.
A pink lamp turned on beside her and a purple one on her other side.
Color and people faded from the room as they smiled at each other, and it all seemed to hit her and reflect making her glow in his eyes.
A hand stretched out across the table tentatively in a way that asked, will you?
It was met by another, and her heart told her no.
Maybe she thought to herself; maybe he’s really different.
Maybe-she won’t hurt me he thought. Maybe I can trust my heart on this one.
She’s amazing, he’s so sweet. They paused in their thoughts, but maybe it’s too soon.
Maybe I’m rushing. Maybe she won’t any different. Maybe he doesn’t care like I think he does.
Maybe-and they could hear their heart beat in their ears, three.
She drew her hand back and he dropped gaze.
They looked back at each other, tears stinging in her eyes and biting loneliness threatening to throw him back into depression.
The people, color, and sound of the night life trickled back in; wonderland is gone because this is reality.
He looked down at his watch and concluded it was time to go, before he ruined it further.
They stood and walked toward the door, hands that were clasped before now too afraid to touch again.
They stood outside silently for a few minutes looking at the scenery before she thanked him for the evening and bid him farewell.
He opened his mouth but all he could hear was his heartbeat in his ears, four.
She attempted a smile, waved and walked away, waving him looking after her.
He watched till she was out of sight and then turned the opposite direction and walked away.
Lost in thought and feelings that didn’t make sense; he wandered onto the train and she fumbled blindly through her purse for her keys, tears falling down her face.
A deep sigh escaped him and a sob climbed its way from her throat.
Heads rested on the window and they watched the rain fall; but this rain felt different on their skin, because it was theirs.
The train jerked forward and the car began moving, them farther and farther apart.
The tears in her eyes, the pain on his face, the softness of her hugs, the gentleness of his voice, the smile on their faces when their hands touched, and the feeling that flowed between them.
He sat forward and her tears stopped, the train slowed and he rushed for the door tripping over people with hasty apologies.
The door slid open and he flew out the same time she did.
She went back to the store where they met while he waited for her outside where they split.
He went to the restaurant, trying to stomach the fear building in him.
She stood where they split trying to hold back her tears. A tear fell down his face onto his shoes as he walked away, not bothering to wipe his eyes.
She cried silently in the dark, outside didn’t look much different than she felt, empty and alone.
The door was halfway open as he heard the announcement “The mall will be closing in two minutes”.
He glanced down at his watch, 11:58. He stepped out and walked into the courtyard, and there she was. Standing alone in the courtyard, crying.
“Caelyn” he whispered as he got closer to with tears almost spilling down his face.
She turned and looked up, her eyes wet. He opened his mouth to speak again but found he could not; her face buried in his chest wetting his shirt in noiseless sobs.
He held her there, and color faded while passing cars made no noise and people ceased to exist.
She looked back up at him, and watched him, his expression was pained.
She cautiously put her hand in his and stared into his eyes giving him her wordless promises, I won’t ever hurt you purposefully and I won’t leave unless you want me to.
She took a step forward and he wrapped his arms around her and she hugged him tight. He tilted closer and kissed her forehead, thank you; I won’t or hurt you either.
They released their embrace and stood smiling at each other.
They noticed a light sparkling in the distance, shooting star he said as they watched it approach.
They stood there, hands together wishing upon the star to be unbroken, five.
He tried to calm himself but the pains of the past burned behind his chest.
He looked around for a distraction, and the city lights caught his eyes.
For some reason he always found them relaxing; the spectrum always different even if you had seen it a hundred times.
He noticed the flowers had closed, tilting toward him as if telling him to go in. He drew a deep breath and went inside…
She was outside a store nervous but trying to repress it.
He glanced down at his watch when he saw her and smiled, 9:00 p.m.
She was beautiful even through the sadness that painted her face blue.
She watched him walk toward her and a small smile slipped through the cracks of a larger, broken smile.
It was as if she didn’t know how to smile like that anymore.
Her blue eyes were as bright as his fears and his brown eyes were as deep as her worries.
They stood in wordless conversation before she put her hand out, and he shook it introducing himself and she followed suit.
They began walking, at first just to find a store that caught their interest but then later to talk.
He walked with his hands in his pockets, looking down at his shoes and he’d glance over at her.
He noticed her glancing back at him and they turned their heads away, smiling.
They started to talk, lighthearted conversations; where they were from, family, growing up, and life.
Each conversation started and ended with a smile.
And each smile brought them closer.
They turned a corner and their hands touched; but neither pulled back, they lingered and stayed.
And now she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, two.
They walked into a restaurant hands still together; only to be seated and have their eyes do what their hands could not.
The breeze came in through a window, ruffling her hair and causing her to blush.
A pink lamp turned on beside her and a purple one on her other side.
Color and people faded from the room as they smiled at each other, and it all seemed to hit her and reflect making her glow in his eyes.
A hand stretched out across the table tentatively in a way that asked, will you?
It was met by another, and her heart told her no.
Maybe she thought to herself; maybe he’s really different.
Maybe-she won’t hurt me he thought. Maybe I can trust my heart on this one.
She’s amazing, he’s so sweet. They paused in their thoughts, but maybe it’s too soon.
Maybe I’m rushing. Maybe she won’t any different. Maybe he doesn’t care like I think he does.
Maybe-and they could hear their heart beat in their ears, three.
She drew her hand back and he dropped gaze.
They looked back at each other, tears stinging in her eyes and biting loneliness threatening to throw him back into depression.
The people, color, and sound of the night life trickled back in; wonderland is gone because this is reality.
He looked down at his watch and concluded it was time to go, before he ruined it further.
They stood and walked toward the door, hands that were clasped before now too afraid to touch again.
They stood outside silently for a few minutes looking at the scenery before she thanked him for the evening and bid him farewell.
He opened his mouth but all he could hear was his heartbeat in his ears, four.
She attempted a smile, waved and walked away, waving him looking after her.
He watched till she was out of sight and then turned the opposite direction and walked away.
Lost in thought and feelings that didn’t make sense; he wandered onto the train and she fumbled blindly through her purse for her keys, tears falling down her face.
A deep sigh escaped him and a sob climbed its way from her throat.
Heads rested on the window and they watched the rain fall; but this rain felt different on their skin, because it was theirs.
The train jerked forward and the car began moving, them farther and farther apart.
The tears in her eyes, the pain on his face, the softness of her hugs, the gentleness of his voice, the smile on their faces when their hands touched, and the feeling that flowed between them.
He sat forward and her tears stopped, the train slowed and he rushed for the door tripping over people with hasty apologies.
The door slid open and he flew out the same time she did.
She went back to the store where they met while he waited for her outside where they split.
He went to the restaurant, trying to stomach the fear building in him.
She stood where they split trying to hold back her tears. A tear fell down his face onto his shoes as he walked away, not bothering to wipe his eyes.
She cried silently in the dark, outside didn’t look much different than she felt, empty and alone.
The door was halfway open as he heard the announcement “The mall will be closing in two minutes”.
He glanced down at his watch, 11:58. He stepped out and walked into the courtyard, and there she was. Standing alone in the courtyard, crying.
“Caelyn” he whispered as he got closer to with tears almost spilling down his face.
She turned and looked up, her eyes wet. He opened his mouth to speak again but found he could not; her face buried in his chest wetting his shirt in noiseless sobs.
He held her there, and color faded while passing cars made no noise and people ceased to exist.
She looked back up at him, and watched him, his expression was pained.
She cautiously put her hand in his and stared into his eyes giving him her wordless promises, I won’t ever hurt you purposefully and I won’t leave unless you want me to.
She took a step forward and he wrapped his arms around her and she hugged him tight. He tilted closer and kissed her forehead, thank you; I won’t or hurt you either.
They released their embrace and stood smiling at each other.
They noticed a light sparkling in the distance, shooting star he said as they watched it approach.
They stood there, hands together wishing upon the star to be unbroken, five.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Beginning
In this beginning there was darkness; and darkness constantly.
It was void, for it desired no shape and it did not feel compelled to take form.
It reigned over everything, and it's throne was where ever it was formed on a whim.
It's wings covered all and it's hand were in everything. And for a time, this was good.
But seasons change and eternity waits for no one, not even darkness.
In the east the darkness began to swirl together and clash against itself, splitting it.
And from that schism was born a small orb.
A small glowing ball, shining almost but not shining any particular color, made of something the darkness did not know of and he feared it and plotted against it.
He gathered himself, from all four corners and threw himself against it, pressing his suffocating weight down on it.
But it had not broken, nor was it scathed.
He gathered himself again and threw himself down upon it with all his might; and he prevailed not.
He grew sore with the orb and screamed at it with a voice that was the sound of a thousand blades being drawn across rock.
"Who are you? And what business have you here?"
The darkness waited patiently but the orb remaied quiet.
The darkness grew vex and raised his mighty hand to smash the orb.
After remaining silent for an eon, it was then the orb spoke.
"I am the pull of your push. The conscience behind your thought and the heart behind your chest. The one thing you cannot conquer because essentially I am you. I am the light."
Taken aback the darkness stood and listened to the little orb speak, feeling it's confidence forming in every passing word.
Perplexed, head tilted to the west in confusion and understanding.
He watched the little orb with growing interest and an idea came to him.
He lifted the orb to his breast and they knew each other.
Together they made all there is now, new and old, nature and machine.
And together they created people like us; a mix of the two.
Ancient, wise, subtle and powerful. Quick tempered, arrogant, possessive and often controlling.
We are called, Mixte. Like the moon and the ocean we fight to balance each other.
It has been the way of things; and it will continue.
I am Fall, and this is the Beginning..
It was void, for it desired no shape and it did not feel compelled to take form.
It reigned over everything, and it's throne was where ever it was formed on a whim.
It's wings covered all and it's hand were in everything. And for a time, this was good.
But seasons change and eternity waits for no one, not even darkness.
In the east the darkness began to swirl together and clash against itself, splitting it.
And from that schism was born a small orb.
A small glowing ball, shining almost but not shining any particular color, made of something the darkness did not know of and he feared it and plotted against it.
He gathered himself, from all four corners and threw himself against it, pressing his suffocating weight down on it.
But it had not broken, nor was it scathed.
He gathered himself again and threw himself down upon it with all his might; and he prevailed not.
He grew sore with the orb and screamed at it with a voice that was the sound of a thousand blades being drawn across rock.
"Who are you? And what business have you here?"
The darkness waited patiently but the orb remaied quiet.
The darkness grew vex and raised his mighty hand to smash the orb.
After remaining silent for an eon, it was then the orb spoke.
"I am the pull of your push. The conscience behind your thought and the heart behind your chest. The one thing you cannot conquer because essentially I am you. I am the light."
Taken aback the darkness stood and listened to the little orb speak, feeling it's confidence forming in every passing word.
Perplexed, head tilted to the west in confusion and understanding.
He watched the little orb with growing interest and an idea came to him.
He lifted the orb to his breast and they knew each other.
Together they made all there is now, new and old, nature and machine.
And together they created people like us; a mix of the two.
Ancient, wise, subtle and powerful. Quick tempered, arrogant, possessive and often controlling.
We are called, Mixte. Like the moon and the ocean we fight to balance each other.
It has been the way of things; and it will continue.
I am Fall, and this is the Beginning..
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Enigma
I will only ever be an enigma.
For in my eyes I show two sides of that you call love.
In my right I show the kisses and bonding; The loyalty and the innocence.
Two becoming one; and hopes and prayers for forever.
From there I give birth to young poets; hearts full of dreams and heads full of nothing.
Young lovers, with the notion that everything will somehow be ok.
Fools, waiting on that special someone not realising that person has already come and left.
Left, in my left eye I plant the seed called loneliness and nuture it with the tears you cry yourself to sleep with.
Til it grows into a tree of depression and from it's branches blossoms pain.
And you, yes you. I mock you and your hope that everything between you two will work out.
We both know it wont happen that way...well atleast one of us does.
I am the ache you feel in your chest with every beat and the worry always plaguing your mind.
I am the peaceful sleep that refuses to come to you and the insomnia that keeps you awake.
I'm the one who pulls you out of depression and i'm the voice you hear laughing when I let you slide back into it.
You blindly chase after me, not realising it's me causing your pain.
And I care nothing for you.
But you, little fool, will never know.
You'll keep trying and searching, but I wont grant you happiness.
Child, you are my favorite creation and my favorite fool.
Continue pursuinig me, who knows, maybe one day i'll slow down for you...maybe
For in my eyes I show two sides of that you call love.
In my right I show the kisses and bonding; The loyalty and the innocence.
Two becoming one; and hopes and prayers for forever.
From there I give birth to young poets; hearts full of dreams and heads full of nothing.
Young lovers, with the notion that everything will somehow be ok.
Fools, waiting on that special someone not realising that person has already come and left.
Left, in my left eye I plant the seed called loneliness and nuture it with the tears you cry yourself to sleep with.
Til it grows into a tree of depression and from it's branches blossoms pain.
And you, yes you. I mock you and your hope that everything between you two will work out.
We both know it wont happen that way...well atleast one of us does.
I am the ache you feel in your chest with every beat and the worry always plaguing your mind.
I am the peaceful sleep that refuses to come to you and the insomnia that keeps you awake.
I'm the one who pulls you out of depression and i'm the voice you hear laughing when I let you slide back into it.
You blindly chase after me, not realising it's me causing your pain.
And I care nothing for you.
But you, little fool, will never know.
You'll keep trying and searching, but I wont grant you happiness.
Child, you are my favorite creation and my favorite fool.
Continue pursuinig me, who knows, maybe one day i'll slow down for you...maybe
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Stuck.Moving On.Book.We The Kings.
Hey, me again. jus here chillin..I think last time i got on was last week..not a whole lot has happened since then, more ups and downs with people but nothing new..it kinda feels like when things get good for me, or i think im getting somewhere i get knocked bac down. its like the world is constantly slapping me in the face and sayin "WELCOME TO LIFE"..
not really sure where the ex situation is going. but from how things ar playing out, its not going over the hill. i climb and then slide bac down. so im jus trying to learn to survive. and I have to say i'm thankful for a few things, my best friend. and music.
speaking of which, i listened to secret valentine by we the kings and its a cool song. reminds me of someone, someone different for once..and i can honestly say she puts a smile on my face and makes my day alot better =)
oh, and a friend of mine and i are working on a book. we've got the characters, conflict, resolution and all that good stuff. its pretty cool bc he's a story writer, and i'm a poet and when ever we've collaborated in the past on poetry it's always been good. So i'm looking forward to how this book will play out, no expectation date. bc you cant rush a book. and i'll give more details as we write it..
have school 2morow =P puttin off doin this online math quiz that i really really should do. i guess i should get to that now.
and for all of you, who dont know who you are..dont know where you are..or where to go next..i'm with you on that..and maybe we'll find out together..
Peace,
Fall
not really sure where the ex situation is going. but from how things ar playing out, its not going over the hill. i climb and then slide bac down. so im jus trying to learn to survive. and I have to say i'm thankful for a few things, my best friend. and music.
speaking of which, i listened to secret valentine by we the kings and its a cool song. reminds me of someone, someone different for once..and i can honestly say she puts a smile on my face and makes my day alot better =)
oh, and a friend of mine and i are working on a book. we've got the characters, conflict, resolution and all that good stuff. its pretty cool bc he's a story writer, and i'm a poet and when ever we've collaborated in the past on poetry it's always been good. So i'm looking forward to how this book will play out, no expectation date. bc you cant rush a book. and i'll give more details as we write it..
have school 2morow =P puttin off doin this online math quiz that i really really should do. i guess i should get to that now.
and for all of you, who dont know who you are..dont know where you are..or where to go next..i'm with you on that..and maybe we'll find out together..
Peace,
Fall
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